I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
