dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
