You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
