Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
