Apparently you make a good broom.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
