Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
