The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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