Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
