"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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