You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
