Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
