I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
