I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
