I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
