i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
