oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize