So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
