Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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