U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
