I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
