You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
