Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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