Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
