i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
