Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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