im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize