Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
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