Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
