You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
