I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
