1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
