I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i came on her dog
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
