remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
