I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
