When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
