I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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