i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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