Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When did we convert life to cartoon?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
