if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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