I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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