my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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