Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
