my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
