I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
