I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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