fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
