Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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