I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We named our party play list daddy issues
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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