Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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