Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
