who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
