We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
