Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize