mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
